BMX XXX

By: Null of Undefined
Jan 10th 2020
Tags: xbox gamecube ps2 sports

Table of Contents


Recent Articles

  • Wish

    pc vn puzzle fantasy harem stripping x-ray

    Oct 18th 2020 | Review

    You are Soma Dakyon. You're a human prince in a world of monsters. The Emperess you serve, Diadora, is a fascist and human supremacist who subjugates all non-humans (knows as 'furries') in the world. On the eve you become a man, you start your war to unite all the races of the kingdom and overthrow Diadora! HELL YEAH BASH THE FASH!


  • The State of the Hornion Address, October 2020

    state of the hornion

    Oct 5th 2020 | Editorial

    Welcome to the third, and thus far most special State of the Hornion Address! Today is the one year anniversary of horny.moe existing as a site and I'm (nearly) speechless for how far we've come in only one year. I'm beyond thankful for all the support we've received from the horny community.


  • Welcome to Pussy Paradise

    pc vn steam renpy impregnation watersports x-ray

    Sep 18th 2020 | Review

    Japan is facing record low birth rates and it's up to you, a young man with infinite semen and no refractory period, to help tip the scales. You've been given an all-access pass to Pussy Paradise! A theme park with a single purpose; impregnation of the entire workforce! So come along on this mostly-text based adventure in the reproductive system!


  • Seek Girl V

    pc indie steam bondage puzzle

    Sep 10th 2020 | Review

    You are... a guy. And you have to solve puzzles to... save? the girls! I'll be honest there really is like 0 story here. There's no dialogue, written or otherwise. You go from level to level, solve a puzzle, and receive sex.


  • Max Gentlemen Sexy Business

    pc indie steam business management resource manager vn

    Sep 6th 2020 | Review

    After having all your wealth stolen by your rival, you team up with 12 gentlepersons to buy more money and win the day! Each person on your team is hot, horny, pansexual, and polyamorous. Trim your mustache, practice your fisting at the gym, and beat up smaller, weaker companies, to gain back your stolen honor!


Skip Straight to the Horny Parts


Synopsis

A game that makes you glad Acclaim doesn't exist anymore.

BMX XXX is an extreme sports game that came out for the Xbox, PS2, and Gamecube in 2002. It was developed by Z-Axis games and published by AKA Acclaim.

bmx xxx title screen

You are (CHARACTER NAME) and you like BMX, and tiddy I guess. You control your character through a handful of levels and complete time capped challenges to unlock new parts of the map, and twice per level, an FMV video of strippers!

I hope you like bad games!!

I'm going to cut directly to the chase, this game is shit. It's the first game for horny.moe that I haven't completed. Not for lack of trying, but the game's controls and mechanics are fighting you at every turn. It's not hard because it's challenging, it's hard because it's poorly designed. The gameplay is so unfun, that BMX XXX was one of the final nails in the coffin for Acclaim Entertainment. They went defunct two years later. Despite all that, I have a lot I want to say about this game.

In 1999, the planets aligned. Neversoft and Activision released Tony Hawk's Pro Skater for the PS1. This was a watershed moment for me in my videogame career. I've always held that whatever games we spent the most time playing in middle school, shape what games we're good at for the rest of our lives. When I was in middle school, I played a LOT of THPS. I put in so much time and found so many secrets and got actually good at this game. It was the only game I was ever able to beat my older brother at. To this day it's the only game I kick shit in. My horny roots can even be traced back to that game, spending hours doing any bullshit online I read that would unlock "naked Private Carerra".

The next year, THPS2 came out. And I hold to this day that it's a perfect game. These games were insanely popular, and naturally inspired copycats. Dave Mirra Freestyle BMX (PS1, 2000) was one of these. The only problem with it was that, it sucked. It wasn't worthy to kiss the feet of THPS. It tried to copy everything THPS did, but somehow missed the point every time. It was like the creators had never played a good extreme sports game before. But it sold well enough to get a sequel in 2001, which got generally favorable reviews.

And then in 2002, Acclaim started making a third Dave Mirra game, but this time with a twist. Sexy Bikes. At long last the dream comes alive. There are some anecdotes that the reason "raunchy sexy comedy" was included was because the gameplay itself was not very good. Having played the game, I totally buy it. At first titled Dave Mirra BMX XXX, when Dave saw the sexual content, he sued to have his name removed from the game.

BMX XXX was also intended to have an AO rating. This would make it the second home console game to get the rating. But when Walmart and other retailers said they wouldn't stock the game, Acclaim bumped it down to an M. They had to further censor the game for PS2, as Sony didn't want any nudity on their console at the time. The stripper FMVs were edited to have black bars covering the (very brief) nipple glimpses. And topless rider mode was removed. The Xbox and Gamecube version didn't need any extra censorship.

With much of the sexiness removed from the game (and what remains is locked behind truly brutal challenges), all Acclaim had on their hands was a shitty game with ps1 graphics. They sold less than 100,000 copies across all three platforms.

It might not sound like much but it's insanely tedious


Horny Parts

The following is a list of Horny components in this game, in order from least horny to most horny

  • Dialogue

    The writers definitely seemed to be going for a "National Lampoon" type of vibe. They did a pretty good job I guess. Here's a fireman who can't get his hose up. You gotta help him.

alt text

  • Character Creator

    There is very little you can really edit in the character creator, but you can be mostly titties out which is pretty cool.

alt text

  • Topless Mode

    If you get first place in both "contest" levels you unlock topless mode. I wasn't able to do it because the way they score you is fucked up, and doesn't actually have anything to do with how many points you score in the competition. So here's an image I found on google to see some ps1 nipples if you want.

alt text


Horniest Part

  • Stripper FMVs

    It's way too much work to unlock these videos as is, especially since all but about 3 or 4 of them don't even have nipples in them. Luckily you can just enter the cheat "CHAMPAGNE ROOM" in the extras menu and get them all. Each video is about 30 seconds of close-up vhs quality fast cut stripping. "Dawn" was definitely my favorite though. Too bad she's dancing to 311.


Rating

Negative

This game is a huge piece of shit. I thought it would be fun to play something that I have clear memories of existing when I was a kid, but never got a chance to play. I wish I had never played it.

Additional things of Note

One of the missions has you somehow attaching a portapotty with a full grown man in it to the front of your bike. You have to do tricks to help him shit. This is only in the second level. This game is wack.

alt text

To capture video from this game I hooked the Xbox up to my framemeister via component cables, and then passed the upscaled image through my capture card. The game still looks like trash though.

alt text