By: Null of Undefined
Jan 10th 2020
Tags: xbox gamecube ps2 sports

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BMX XXX

Skip Straight to the Horny Parts


Synopsis

A game that makes you glad Acclaim doesn't exist anymore.

BMX XXX is an extreme sports game that came out for the Xbox, PS2, and Gamecube in 2002. It was developed by Z-Axis games and published by AKA Acclaim.

bmx xxx title screen

You are (CHARACTER NAME) and you like BMX, and tiddy I guess. You control your character through a handful of levels and complete time capped challenges to unlock new parts of the map, and twice per level, an FMV video of strippers!

I hope you like bad games!!

I'm going to cut directly to the chase, this game is shit. It's the first game for horny.moe that I haven't completed. Not for lack of trying, but the game's controls and mechanics are fighting you at every turn. It's not hard because it's challenging, it's hard because it's poorly designed. The gameplay is so unfun, that BMX XXX was one of the final nails in the coffin for Acclaim Entertainment. They went defunct two years later. Despite all that, I have a lot I want to say about this game.

In 1999, the planets aligned. Neversoft and Activision released Tony Hawk's Pro Skater for the PS1. This was a watershed moment for me in my videogame career. I've always held that whatever games we spent the most time playing in middle school, shape what games we're good at for the rest of our lives. When I was in middle school, I played a LOT of THPS. I put in so much time and found so many secrets and got actually good at this game. It was the only game I was ever able to beat my older brother at. To this day it's the only game I kick shit in. My horny roots can even be traced back to that game, spending hours doing any bullshit online I read that would unlock "naked Private Carerra".

The next year, THPS2 came out. And I hold to this day that it's a perfect game. These games were insanely popular, and naturally inspired copycats. Dave Mirra Freestyle BMX (PS1, 2000) was one of these. The only problem with it was that, it sucked. It wasn't worthy to kiss the feet of THPS. It tried to copy everything THPS did, but somehow missed the point every time. It was like the creators had never played a good extreme sports game before. But it sold well enough to get a sequel in 2001, which got generally favorable reviews.

And then in 2002, Acclaim started making a third Dave Mirra game, but this time with a twist. Sexy Bikes. At long last the dream comes alive. There are some anecdotes that the reason "raunchy sexy comedy" was included was because the gameplay itself was not very good. Having played the game, I totally buy it. At first titled Dave Mirra BMX XXX, when Dave saw the sexual content, he sued to have his name removed from the game.

BMX XXX was also intended to have an AO rating. This would make it the second home console game to get the rating. But when Walmart and other retailers said they wouldn't stock the game, Acclaim bumped it down to an M. They had to further censor the game for PS2, as Sony didn't want any nudity on their console at the time. The stripper FMVs were edited to have black bars covering the (very brief) nipple glimpses. And topless rider mode was removed. The Xbox and Gamecube version didn't need any extra censorship.

With much of the sexiness removed from the game (and what remains is locked behind truly brutal challenges), all Acclaim had on their hands was a shitty game with ps1 graphics. They sold less than 100,000 copies across all three platforms.

It might not sound like much but it's insanely tedious


Horny Parts

The following is a list of Horny components in this game, in order from least horny to most horny

  • Dialogue

    The writers definitely seemed to be going for a "National Lampoon" type of vibe. They did a pretty good job I guess. Here's a fireman who can't get his hose up. You gotta help him.

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  • Character Creator

    There is very little you can really edit in the character creator, but you can be mostly titties out which is pretty cool.

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  • Topless Mode

    If you get first place in both "contest" levels you unlock topless mode. I wasn't able to do it because the way they score you is fucked up, and doesn't actually have anything to do with how many points you score in the competition. So here's an image I found on google to see some ps1 nipples if you want.

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Horniest Part

  • Stripper FMVs

    It's way too much work to unlock these videos as is, especially since all but about 3 or 4 of them don't even have nipples in them. Luckily you can just enter the cheat "CHAMPAGNE ROOM" in the extras menu and get them all. Each video is about 30 seconds of close-up vhs quality fast cut stripping. "Dawn" was definitely my favorite though. Too bad she's dancing to 311.


Rating

Negative

This game is a huge piece of shit. I thought it would be fun to play something that I have clear memories of existing when I was a kid, but never got a chance to play. I wish I had never played it.

Additional things of Note

One of the missions has you somehow attaching a portapotty with a full grown man in it to the front of your bike. You have to do tricks to help him shit. This is only in the second level. This game is wack.

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To capture video from this game I hooked the Xbox up to my framemeister via component cables, and then passed the upscaled image through my capture card. The game still looks like trash though.

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